{"id":101741,"date":"2025-09-23T08:01:59","date_gmt":"2025-09-23T15:01:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.seattleschild.com\/?p=101741"},"modified":"2025-09-23T09:09:05","modified_gmt":"2025-09-23T16:09:05","slug":"dad-next-door-cultivating-failure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.seattleschild.com\/dad-next-door-cultivating-failure\/","title":{"rendered":"Dad Next Door: Helping kids learn from failure"},"content":{"rendered":"

I once read about an Arkansas mother who sued her son\u2019s high school<\/a> because he was cut from the basketball team. She wasn\u2019t alleging discrimination or unfairness \u2013 she simply claimed that he was deprived of his rights because he wasn\u2019t allowed to take part in school athletics.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t remember all the details, and there may have been extenuating circumstances. But I do remember that the story got some national exposure because it struck a nerve. Many people, myself included, wondered how we got to a place where children are being told they have a right to something just because they want it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Over my 30+ years as a parent, I\u2019ve noticed a clear shift toward protective parenting. That includes physical protection, which is generally a good thing, unless taken too far. But mainly, I\u2019m referring to emotional protection. Somehow, it\u2019s become part of a parent\u2019s job to protect our children not only from emotional trauma, but from any kind of emotional distress. We try to shield our kids from even the mildest disappointment or failure, and start pointing fingers when that isn\u2019t possible.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m guessing this is part of the natural pendulum swing that parenting styles go through. Our own parents probably weren\u2019t the most emotionally supportive or clued-in, and that caused many of us plenty of pain. But when we react to that pain by trying to shield our kids from every setback, we do them a disservice.<\/span><\/p>\n

Kids learn to overcome failure by failing. I think that\u2019s why the Arkansas story irked me \u2013 I consider sports one of the last remaining settings for exposing our kids to constructive failure. In sports, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You have to assess your skills honestly, then you have to figure out ways to get better. If we rig the game, those lessons are lost, and it becomes another exercise in empty affirmation.<\/span><\/p>\n

As parents, we play a critical role in helping our kids fail well. We can put them in situations where some degree of failure is probable, but where improvement and eventual success are well within their reach. We can help them process and manage their emotions when failure does come. And finally, we can help them find ways to improve, and acquire the skills and strategies to do so.<\/span><\/p>\n

This last part is tricky. When I coached Little League<\/a>, I saw a lot of well-meaning parents give their kids feedback in incredibly unhelpful ways. Even now, when I\u2019m working as a leadership development consultant or as an executive coach, I meet many people in positions of power who have no idea how to give skillful feedback. Here are a few tips:<\/span><\/p>\n

Pick the right time and place. <\/i><\/b>That\u2019s not in the dugout after they strike out or as you drive home from a piano recital that went off the rails. In a day or two, find a time and place that feels calm and private.<\/span><\/p>\n

Check your ego at the door. <\/i><\/b>We all do it:\u00a0<\/span>We live through our kids\u2019 accomplishments and bask a little in their success. I wouldn\u2019t begrudge any parent a little of that. But when they fail, don\u2019t take it personally. The goal trophies and blue ribbons for\u00a0your<\/em> wall are<\/span>\u00a0for them to grow. Failure is a part of that process.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Start by asking your kid what their experience was. <\/i><\/b>How are they feeling? What do they think they did well? Did they give their best effort? What do they wish they\u2019d done differently? Start where they are to get somewhere useful.<\/span><\/p>\n

Help them adopt a growth mindset. <\/i><\/b>Mistakes or failures aren\u2019t who we are, they\u2019re something we all do. The point is to get better through focus, practice and determination. Success and failure, in the short term, are not under our control. Work and improvement are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Use the magic words.<\/i><\/b> Frame your feedback not as criticism but as your faith in them:<\/span> \u201cI\u2019m saying this because I know you have high expectations, and I know you can reach them.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

These are just suggestions\u2014you\u2019ll find your own way. But get started. Children are not hothouse orchids. We don\u2019t want their thriving to depend on a pristine, climate-controlled environment. We want them to be dandelions: tough, resilient, and ready to grow like crazy, even after lawn-mowing days.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Cultivating failure as a tool for kids\u2019 growth<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1205,"featured_media":101743,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[36,25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-101741","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dad-next-door","category-parenting","issues-september-october-2025-seattles-child"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHelping Kids Learn from Failure: Parenting Lessons in Resilience<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Kids grow through setbacks, not constant protection. 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