{"id":83200,"date":"2024-10-28T07:19:24","date_gmt":"2024-10-28T14:19:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.seattleschild.com\/?p=83200"},"modified":"2024-12-03T16:01:03","modified_gmt":"2024-12-04T00:01:03","slug":"the-dad-next-door-acknowledging-and-addressing-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.seattleschild.com\/the-dad-next-door-acknowledging-and-addressing-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"Dad Next Door: The Monster in the Basement"},"content":{"rendered":"

Do you ever wonder why parents and their children are so good at pushing each other\u2019s buttons? When I was a teenager, my mom used to say things that would seem perfectly innocuous to an objective bystander, but irritated the hell out of me. Of course, I assumed that was because she was just so annoying . . . until I had a teenager of my own. Suddenly it was me who was pushing my daughter\u2019s buttons, and you can be sure she was just as good at pushing mine.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking back, it\u2019s obvious that none of this was intentional. Neither of us had any interest in irritating or hurting the other\u2014in fact, we were actively trying to avoid it. But this only made our exquisitely accurate button-pushing that much more confusing. One day, after we\u2019d spent an interminable car ride poking at each other\u2019s sore spots, I blurted out that I didn\u2019t want us to do this to each other anymore.\u00a0 She looked at me with genuine surprise, and for a moment I thought I\u2019d broken through.\u00a0 Then she shrugged and said: \u201cYou\u2019re my father\u2014this is how it\u2019s supposed to be.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I used to think that my mother and my teenage daughter had little in common. Eventually, though, I decided I was annoyed at both of them for the exact same reason. It was that way they had of stating a dubious and\u00a0 unsupported opinion with utter confidence, then defending it with complete certainty. But it took me years to realize the reason I found that behavior so irritating in <\/span>them <\/span><\/i>is that I found it even more irritating in myself. I had deluded myself into thinking I was the apple who had rolled\u00a0 away from the tree\u2014but there I was, sitting right in its shadow.<\/span><\/p>\n

If your kid (or for that matter your parent) is really getting under your skin, here\u2019s a thought experiment for you. Think of some tendency or\u00a0 part of your personality that you\u2019re not proud of. Maybe it\u2019s some flaw that\u2019s\u00a0 been a part of you for a long, long time. Perhaps you were criticized for it when you were a kid. Or maybe it\u2019s a defense mechanism that comes out reflexively, whenever you\u2019re feeling scared or insecure. In any case, you know it\u2019s not the best version of you, and you\u2019ve wished more than once that it wasn\u2019t there. As a matter of fact, most of the time you pretend that it <\/span>isn\u2019t <\/span><\/i>there. You convince yourself that you\u2019ve overcome it, or that it\u2019s not so bad, or that you\u2019ve managed to keep it under wraps. Then, in a moment of stress or anxiety, it suddenly grabs your emotional steering wheel and swerves you into a ditch, and you\u2019re left feeling embarrassed and ashamed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, think of times when you\u2019ve seen that same trait or behavior in someone else. How did you react? How did it feel to confront the thing you like the least about yourself in someone else? The odds are pretty good that your emotional gatekeeper quickly rerouted your shame and self-contempt onto that other person. Did you react more strongly than you should have? Did you end up red in the face or hot under the collar? Did it expose\u00a0 a big fat button that was\u00a0 just waiting to be pushed?<\/span><\/p>\n

This could happen with anyone. It could be a store clerk or someone at the DMV. But with our families\u2014the people who share our genes, our history and our daily lives\u2014the chances that we\u2019ll also share some unflattering traits is much greater. The stakes are higher, too. It doesn\u2019t take much for the hidden shame we feel about ourselves to transform into a hidden shame that we feel about our kids. If they sense that shame, and they almost always will, they\u2019ll internalize it. Then they\u2019ll pass it on to your grandchildren. It\u2019s the unwanted gift that keeps on giving.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shame is a monster that we keep in the basement. We try to forget it, but it lurks in the shadows, licking its wounds and skulking around at the bottom of the stairs. It feeds on darkness, and grows stronger the more we pretend that it isn\u2019t there. Even as we deny its existence, we live in fear of what it might do. Until we acknowledge it and force it out into the sunlight, we\u2019ll keep seeing its image in the people we love, and keep coming after them with pitchforks and knives.<\/span><\/p>\n

Jeff Lee annoys his daughter a little less every year, in Seattle WA<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Read more from the Dad Next Door:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad Next Door Archives<\/a><\/p>\n

Artificial Unintelligence<\/a><\/p>\n

Dad Next Door: What ever happened to summer?<\/a><\/p>\n

Dad Next Door: Leader of the pack<\/a><\/p>\n

The devil wears tiny high heels<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dr. Jeff Lee tackles parental shame <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1205,"featured_media":83205,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[36,25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-83200","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dad-next-door","category-parenting","issues-november-december-2024"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nacknowledging and addressing shame<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Acknowledging and addressing our own shame is important if we want to keep it from impacting our kids. 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